Lifestyle

Life is too short to stress yourself with things that
don’t even deserve to be an issue in your life.

When I was nine-years-old, my dad came into my room one Sunday afternoon with teary eyes and told me that we might lose our house.  He explained that he had been struggling to find a job, and if he didn’t find one soon we would not be able to afford to live in our house anymore.  I could tell he was sad, angry, and worried all at once.  Without thinking about it, I hugged my dad and said, “It’s just a house.  I don’t care where we live, as long as we’re together.”

My dad, who’s now 70, loves to reminisce about this story.  He says my innocent, sincere response brought perspective to the stressful predicament our family was facing at the time.  Suddenly, he realized the sky wasn’t falling.  We were all healthy and capable of getting through this together.  And we did.

As we journey through life, so many of us let stress get the best of us.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Don’t let your mind stir up and put up with unnecessary drama.  Do your best, take small steps forward, keep things in perspective, and ignore the following…

1.  Blatant negativity.

Keep calm and think positively.  Evolve your being and inspire yourself and others.  Say it out loud, “I am sorry negativity, I have no time for you.  I have far too many positive things to do.”  Take the next 24 hours and every time you start to complain, realize it, admit it and stop it.  How often do you complain and harp on negative thoughts?  It may be more often than you think.  Know that bringing awareness to this unproductive habit is the first step to overcoming it.  You are not allowed to complain about something unless you’re going to do something about it.

It’s better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.  Instead of complaining about your circumstances, get busy creating new ones.  Remember that stumbling blocks become stepping stones when you look for the positive in a situation, even if you have to look a little harder than usual.  Be thankful for the little struggles you go through today.  They make you stronger and wiser.  Don’t let them break you; let them make you.

And when it comes to your interactions with negative people…  Smile, even if you have to force it.  Laugh, even if it hurts.  Don’t let them get to you.  You are amazing and life is good, regardless of what others say.  Those who talk down to you are just trying to walk tall by making you feel small.  Rise up.  If someone has nothing nice to say, ignore them.

2.  The people who try to dump on everything you do.

When you follow your heart and intuition, someone will try to discredit you for it.  When you finally find something that makes you happy, not everyone will be happy for you.  When you show unwavering kindness to others, some people will question your motives.  When you are honest to the core, some folks will attempt to use your honesty against you.  When you look for the best in everyone you meet, a few of them will take advantage of it.

Don’t let any of these people stop you from doing these things.  These people don’t matter.  In the end, what does matter is how you feel about yourself and the life you have led.  You will ask yourself one question: “Am I proud of how I lived?”  Make the answer: “Yes!”  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  Other people’s opinions of what’s best for you.

You can’t always be agreeable; that’s how people take advantage of you.  You have to set boundaries.  Don’t ever change just to impress someone.  Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a better future.  Being your true self is the most effective formula for happiness and success there is.

Truth be told, one of the greatest freedoms is simply not caring what everyone else thinks of you.  Take risks.  Follow your intuition.  Don’t just accept the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what others might think or say.  Sometimes you need to step outside, get some fresh air, and remind yourself of who you are and what you want to be.  You have to take a stand and do your own thing your own way, no matter what anyone else thinks or says about you.  Don’t let small minds convince you that your dreams are too big.  They aren’t.

4.  That lingering idea of perfection.

The quest for perfection always ends in devastation.  Thinking you have to do things perfectly is like strapping an extra 500 pounds to your back – it absolutely crushes you.  According to research professor, Brené Brown, “Perfection is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities.  The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.”

You might not be the most beautiful, the strongest, or the most talented person in the world, and that’s OK.  Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.  You’re great at being YOU.  You might not be proud of all the things you’ve done in the past, but that’s okay too.  The past is not today.  Be proud of who you are, how you’ve grown, and what you’ve learned along the way.

Ultimately, you need to realize that perfect is the enemy of great.  And the real world doesn’t reward perfection; it rewards people who get great things done.  And the only way to get great things done is to be imperfect 99.9% of the time.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

5.  Ungrateful, materialistic thinking.

When life is good, enjoy it.  Don’t go looking for something better.  Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have.  A psychology study (Nickerson et al.) conducted in 2003 is proof of this.  The study examined the attitudes of 12,000 college freshmen when they were eighteen, and then measured their life-satisfaction at age 37.  Those who had expressed heightened materialistic aspirations as freshmen – always wanting something they didn’t have – were far less satisfied with their lives two decades later.

To be happy doesn’t mean you don’t desire more, it means you are thankful for what you have now and patient for everything yet to come.  Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want or need, to impress folks they don’t even know.  Don’t be one of them.  Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in trying to attain something new and big, that you fail to notice all the little things that give life its magic.  As Epicurus once said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

6.  The idea that everything should be easy.

Not everything that’s faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.  Many people never achieve what they want in life because when opportunity knocks, they’re still sleeping and dreaming and waiting for a miracle.  Remember, problems are not stop signs, they’re guidelines.  Losing is a learning experience.  Strength does not come from winning at everything.  Your greatest struggles develop your greatest strengths.

In the end, you are not what you have done, but what you have overcome.  All the hardships.  All the mistakes.  All the rejections.  All the pain.  All the times you questioned why.  All of these things have given birth to the wisdom and strength that will help you shine your light on the world, even in the darkest of hours.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

7.  An inner resistance to change.

We all have a story.  We’ve all gone through something that has changed us in a way that we could never go back to who we once were.  In life, this kind of change is inevitable.  Everything around you is impermanent – your body, your possessions, your relationships, etc.  You don’t have control over every little thing that happens to you, but you do have control over how you decide to internalize it.

Pay as much attention to the changes that are working positively in your life as you do to those changes that are giving you trouble.  Appreciate how the unexpected is sometimes better than what you expected.  And above all, stop stressing over what’s behind you.  The end of something good is always the beginning of something great.  Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Present, I am ready now!”  Because a priceless new beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.

Bottom line:  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Live simply.  Love generously.  Speak truthfully.  Work diligently.  Then let go and let what’s meant to be, be.

Your turn…

Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “Too many people die with their music still in them.”  I believe this is due in part to our tolerance of the wrong things – needless sources of stress that can be ignored.  So what do you think?  What would you add to this list?  What sources of stress do you need to ignore more often?  Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Andre Delhaye

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

I bet you do!  I know the feeling.  We all doubt ourselves sometimes – it’s human nature.  And the really crazy thing is, we think everyone else is doing better than us.  But they aren’t.

Every day we’re comparing apples with oranges – comparing our insides with other people’s outsides.  That colleague of yours who’s giving a really smooth presentation to the boss, while you wait nervously in your chair until it’s your turn?  She very well might be panicking inside.  You just can’t tell.

In fact, if she’s truly great, she likely is panicking inside.  Research suggests that the so-called “impostor syndrome” may get more intense as people get better at what they do: the more accomplished you become, the more likely you are to rub shoulders with ever more talented and skilled people, leaving you feeling even more inadequate by comparison.  So, in a backwards way, if you’re concerned that you don’t measure up, that could very well be a good sign that you actually do measure up just fine.

The late and great Maya Angelou, a renowned novelist and poet, once said, “I have written 11 books, but each time, I think ‘Uh-oh.  They’re going to find out now.  I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”  Angelou was an extraordinary talent, but she was also extraordinary in being willing to admit that she wasn’t always confident about that.

And in today’s always-connected world it’s even harder to keep things in perspective.  Our lives are literally unfolding on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat.  We use these social technologies, not surprisingly, to showcase the best parts of our lives: the beautiful weddings and enviable honeymoons, the finished projects, and the best smiles.  But we forget that we’re only seeing everyone else’s highlight reel too – not the sleepless nights, the failed attempts, the moments of grief and self-doubt.

So with all of this in mind, if you’re not feeling “good enough” right now, it’s time to adjust your thinking.  Let’s go over five time-tested ways to do just that:

1.  Acknowledge that all emotions come from within.

It’s not outside forces that make us feel something, it’s what we tell ourselves about what’s happening that creates our feelings.  People’s judgments, life’s unplanned events, and your unchecked to-do lists are not inherently stressful – it’s your thoughts about these things that stress you out.

Most of us want to place blame and responsibility on external objects and scenarios because it’s the easy thing to do, but the truth remains that all conflicts start internally, in our minds.  When we flee from responsibility we are doing nothing but harming ourselves and undermining our self-control and self-discipline.

The next time you run into an obstacle and feel inner resistance, don’t look at what’s around you.  Instead, look within.

2.  Don’t resist where you are; BE where you are.

Where you are right now is a necessary step.

All too often we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on our ideals or some lie someone once told us, that it is not where we should be or want to be.  But the truth is, where you are right now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow.

Take a deep breath, take it all in, and take the lessons with you.  (Read The Miracle Morning.)

3.  See challenges as stepping-stones.

Marcus Aurelius once said, “Does what’s happened keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness, and all other qualities that allow a person’s nature to fulfill itself?  So remember this principle when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.”

Nothing could be closer to the truth.

When you least expect it, life sets you up with a challenge to test your courage and willingness to stretch and change; at such a moment, there’s no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that you are not yet ready.  The challenge will not wait.  Life does not look back.

Say it out loud: “Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can do what others can’t.”

It will be risky and scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful.  Because the truth is, it shouldn’t be easy to be amazing.  Then everything would be.  It’s the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth.  When something is difficult to come by, you’ll do that far more to make sure it’s even harder – if not impossible – to lose.

4.  Visualize a better life after failure.

Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”  Know this to be true.  Just because you have faced many defeats in your life, does not mean you have been defeated.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  A person who makes no mistakes is unlikely to make anything at all.  It’s better to have a lifetime full of small failures that you learned from, rather than a lifetime filled with the regrets of never trying.

It’s all about gradually growing stronger and getting better over time.

You can spend months or even years on a project, only to watch it be ignored, or even worse, laughed at.  I once worked on a project thinking that it would be a huge success.  I spent a full year on it, and it was my most vulnerable work to date.  When I released it for others to see, nobody liked it, some people laughed at me, and I cried.  That’s what failure feels like when you open up and share an authentic part of yourself.  But recovering from that failure is a practice – a mindset.  In fact, the harsh lessons I internalized from that experience helped me do my most successful work to date.

In other words: No failure, no growth.  (Read The 10X Rule.)

5.  Remind yourself that this moment is your most precious resource.

One thing I’ve learned from the most heart wrenching moments of my life – losing loved ones to illness and accidents – is that death is an unpredictable inevitability.  Embracing this fact provides a sense of urgency, to realize that you’ve lived a certain number of hours, and the hours ahead of you are not as guaranteed as the ones you’ve already lived.  When I think of this I am reminded that every day truly is an opportunity to learn and grow, not in a cliché kind of way, but to honestly appreciate what we are capable of achieving and how we are responsible for the quality of our present lives.  This makes our self-respect, focus, work ethic, generosity, self-awareness, and growth evermore important, right here, right now.  It leaves no time to wallow in self-doubt.

The last thing any of us wants to do is die with regret, hence why respecting the reality of death puts life into perspective.  It humbles us and should also deeply motivate us to lead our lives and do our best today: less procrastinating, comparing, criticizing and consuming; more trying, creating, learning and living.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Your turn…

Sometimes the pressure coming from peers, family, work, and society in general is enough to make us feel completely broken inside.  If we don’t have the “right” job, relationship, lifestyle, and so forth, by a certain age or time frame, we assume we’re just “not good enough.”  Angel and I hear about this kind of self-defeating mindset from our coaching clients (get coaching here) and blog subscribers (subscribe here) on a daily basis, and we aren’t immune either.

The tips above will help, but I’d love to learn about your firsthand experience with self-doubt.  Which of the points in this post do you resonate with the most?  What makes you feel “not good enough?”  How have you coped with this negativity?

Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.

This guest post was written by Chris Gaddis.

I want to thank Marc and Angel for allowing me to be a guest on their blog.  Marc was nice enough to appear on a radio show I host in New York (download my radio interview with Marc here).  He knew I was starting my own blog at chrisjgaddis.com and he was more than generous in allowing me this opportunity.

As I was thinking about this opportunity and what to write I thought back to the whole reason that I am now doing what I am doing for a living.  I will spare you the long story and just give you the key info that you will hopefully find useful.

The secret to happiness is not in doing what one likes,
but in liking what one does.
– James M. Barrie

A Tragedy

My wife and I graduated from Keuka College, a beautiful college on Keuka Lake in New York.  Graduation weekend is always held on Memorial Day, so my family and my wife’s family decided to rent a house on the lake for the weekend.  Ever since then, we’ve made it an annual family tradition.  Every Memorial Day weekend we rent a house on the lake together as a family.

In 2009 during our annual stay at the lake, through a long series of events that I feel were truly meant to be, our dog Athena ended up getting hit by a car and died.  Looking back it seems as if my whole life’s purpose flashed before my eyes in this one solitary moment.  The events and occurrences of my life up to that point seemed to fit together like an unsolved jigsaw puzzle – everything fit, but the message of the puzzle was still unclear.  But in that moment of tragedy, the different pieces came together in a more enlightening way than they ever had before.

Needless to say it was a pretty sudden and unexpected death that affected my wife and me greatly.  I could not shake the feeling it was somehow meant to be and immediately tried to decipher why that was.  What I learned, summed up in one sentence is, “Life is too short not to follow your heart.”

A New Beginning

And this is what my blog is all about.  I decided that I wanted to spend more time with my wife and kids.  I wanted to work for myself and stop making other people rich from my efforts.  I came up with a plan to do this and I have now implemented it.

This is not an easy thing to do.  Athena died almost two years ago.  This plan was supposed to be implemented within one year and I am just beginning to make significant progress now.  I feel a bit guilty I did not get it done sooner.  Unfortunately, life is like that.  We all have the best intentions, but ultimately life gets the best of us and we find ourselves 15 years later asking, “How did this happen?  Where did the time go?”

In the end, happiness is different for everyone.  It could mean any number of things.  I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice we can make.  Whether it is being happy with our self, our spouse, our job or something else.  To find true happiness you have to follow your heart and intuition.  You have to be who you are and follow a lifestyle and career that fulfills you; no matter what that entails or what people say about it.  And it is never too late to do so.

After Athena’s death, and in my search to help it all make sense, I put together a personal action plan that followed six simple steps.  It helped me take a snapshot of my life and analyze where I am now and where I want to go.  So I want to leave you with this 6 step process to getting what you want out of life.

1. Create a mission statement. – Mine was simply “To translate what gives me joy, fulfillment and makes me genuinely happy into a career that will allow me to work for myself and spend more time with my family.”  This meant starting my own business as a coach to help individuals and small business owners get what they want out of their life and business.  Formulating this sentence allows us to create a short mission statement that summarizes exactly what we want from life, which will help to keep it in the forefront of our minds when we’re making important decisions.
2. Make a list of your primary priorities. – This list will make your decisions easier as you will know what’s most important to you.  Anytime there is a conflict consult this list and make the decision based on your priorities.  Here is an example of my list: Family, Church, Health, Work / Money, Service to Others, Hobbies.
3. Take an inventory. – List every single major entity in your life – the people, organizations, career, hobbies, and anything else you spend time on in your life.  Write a short summary of each.  Explain what each one means to you, what you get from it, and if you are neglecting other areas of your life because of it.
4. Make decisions. – Take this list and make a decision on every aspect of your life.  Decide whether time you spend on certain activities could be spent helping you achieve goals in other areas of your life.  Decide if you will continue some activities, change others, or start a new one.  Time is the most precious commodity we have; do not waste it.
5. Develop a plan. – Develop a game plan of what has to take place to reach your dreams and make things happen.  Setup measurable goals for your life.  Break it all down into time frames of a week, a month, a year and then longer – 5, 10, 20, 30 years out.  These will constantly change and evolve so check them and update them frequently.
6. Schedule it, tell everyone and take action. – The most important step.  By scheduling your goals and your action items it allows you to set definite deadlines.  That gives you a better chance of sticking to it.  If you tell everyone what you are doing you are now creating ownership of your goals.  And of course nothing can stand in your way as long as you’re taking decisive action.  If you find yourself making excuses, stop!

I know it may seem crazy that some dog changed my life, but it was the lessons I learned from Athena’s accident that changed my life.  We all learn differently.  And despite my loss, I’m grateful for the lessons and the opportunities that have risen from it.  If you’re looking for further guidance on creating happiness in your life I recommend the short but powerful book The Four Agreements.

If you liked what you read here please feel free to visit Chris Gaddis’ website at chrisjgaddis.com and subscribe to his blog.  If some of you need assistance in creating your own Personal Action Plan he would be happy to e-mail you a copy of his.  Just email him at [email protected].

Photo by: Luca Nicalli

Count your blessings, not your troubles.  Live one day at a time.  Let the wrong things go.  Give more than you take.  Look for the good in people and situations.  Make time for those who matter.  Laugh when you can.  Cry when you need to.  Focus on your priorities.  Make decisions, not excuses.  And always stay true to your values.

Yes, today is the perfect day to stand up and say…

1. I am fighting hard for the things I want most. – The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives.  The harder you have to fight for something, the more it will be worth to you once you achieve it.  And the more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination.  Most great things don’t come easy, but they are worth waiting for and fighting for.
2. I am taking action now. – Many great things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow.  Don’t let your fear of making a mistake stop you.  A life spent making mistakes is not only more enjoyable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.  Read Getting Things Done.
3. I am focusing on the next positive step. – A situation can occur in life that stops us dead in our tracks, frozen with fear.  We can either stay stuck in that place by continuing to give it our attention, or we can gently remove our attention from whatever is happening, and focus instead on our next step – on what is possible tomorrow.  Remember, the future holds nothing but endless potential.  There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  We just have to get there.
4. I am proud to wear my truth. – How others see you is not important.  How you see yourself means everything.  To be beautiful means to live confidently in your own skin.  Say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes, and my lessons.  Not yours.”
5. I have a lot to smile about. – Happiness is not a result of getting something you don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what you do have.  You create happiness with your attitude, your behavior and your actions.  It is all up to you.  Read The Happiness Project.
6. I am making the best of it. – Everything you go through grows you.  Sometimes you think doing something is a total waste of time, and then it ends up being one of the best things you ever did.  Don’t judge the day before it unfolds.  Amazing things can and do happen when you least expect them.  Let each day be a scavenger hunt in which you must find at least one of these things: a sincere laugh, an act of kindness, a realization, or a lesson that will lead you closer to your dreams.
7. I am letting go of yesterday’s stress. – Sometimes the reason it’s so hard for us to be happy is simply because we refuse to let go of the things that make us upset.  As the sun sets on this day, let it go.  Leave behind the stress, the drama and the worries.  Lay this day to rest.  Tomorrow is about hope, new possibilities, and the opportunity to make a better day.
8. There is enough time today to do something I love. – Where did you leave your happiness?  With an old lover?  In a city you once lived in?  In a story you never finished writing?  In a dream you gave up on?  In a hope you got too weary to carry?  Wherever you left it, go back and retrieve it.  If you don’t remember where you left it, dedicate a little time today to doing something you love to do, and you will find your happiness somewhere nearby.
9. I am priceless in someone’s eyes. – Being with someone who overlooks your worth isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity.  Don’t let the people who aren’t worth it get to you.  Focus on those who love and accept you for who you are, and shower them with the love and kindness they deserve.  And above all, cherish the people who saw you when you were invisible to everyone else.  Read The Mastery of Love.
10. It’s not too late. – No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change and become a better version of yourself.  Peace, strength and direction will come to you when you manage to tune out the noisy judgments of others, in an effort to better hear the soft and steady hum of your own inner strength.  And once you hear it, you will realize that it’s not too late to be what you might have been.

Photo by: Darwin Bell